


The Thrilling Avenger Hour: Superhuman Resources

by stefwith1f



Series: The Thrilling Avenger Hour [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Thrilling Adventure Hour
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-07
Updated: 2013-12-07
Packaged: 2018-01-03 22:57:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1074040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stefwith1f/pseuds/stefwith1f
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We begin on a vessel docked high above Apex City’s iconic skyline, where Captain Laserbeam welcomes big time hero honchos to his fair city...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Thrilling Avenger Hour: Superhuman Resources

**Author's Note:**

  * For [slodwick](https://archiveofourown.org/users/slodwick/gifts).



__

SWINGIN' HAL  
Salutations, Junior Adventurekateers, and welcome again to legendary Apex City, home to that high-flying scion of science: Captain Laserbeam.  


Tonight’s episode: “Superhuman Resources.”  


We begin on a vessel docked high above Apex City’s iconic skyline, where Captain Laserbeam welcomes big time hero honchos to his fair city. 

CAPTAIN LASERBEAM  
...and after that, the trees just stopped growing on that side of town. But enough about our arboreal woes, what brings you to Apex City? 

TONY STARK  
Science conference. 

BRUCE BANNER  
That's what we're going with? 

STARK  
Absolutely a science conference. I'm giving a presentation on nucleotide bonding and gamma ... livestock. Solutions. 

BANNER  
Beautifully done. Seamless, really. 

STARK  
And we figured we should touch base with the local superhero presence. Show off the helicarrier. You know. 

LASERBEAM  
Let me stop you right there. I don't do team-ups. Not anymore. Apex City is my town and I won't leave her. Not even to join your attractive and well-funded team. 

BANNER  
I think there's been a misunder- 

LASERBEAM  
I'm needed _here._ I'm sorry you came all this way just for me to turn you back. 

BANNER  
-a misunderstanding. We know Apex City's a kind of a villain magnet, and we wanted to see if there was anything we could do to ... help you out. 

STARK  
Also - aren't you teaming up with Phillip Fathom these days? 

LASERBEAM  
Fathom? No. What? Sometimes.  
It's not really a _thing._  
And I don't need any help!  


BANNER  
Ok, well. We're in town for a little while longer for the whatever Tony said. 

STARK  
Science conference. 

BANNER  
That one. If you need us... 

[ADVENTUREKATEER DISTRESS CALL]  


LASERBEAM  
Leaping laserbeams, just in time! The Adventurekateer Distress call, broadcasting on a frequency only I can hear.  
Thanks, laser hearing.  
I'm afraid I'm needed elsewhere, gentlemen. If the Adventurekateers are calling, it means there's _danger_ in Apex City. 

BANNER  
Yeah, it's a bad guy magnet. Like we said. 

STARK  
This is great. Proof of concept! We're right behind you. 

LASERBEAM  
That won't be necessary! Whatever it is, I can handle it.  
Flying at the speed of light, no villain shall escape my might! So long ... and awaaay! 

SWINGIN' HAL  
Capt Laserbeam flies faster than a thousand hummingbirds to the Adventurekateer clubhouse. 

LASERBEAM  
No malice can evade their sight, no crimes escape their ears. They hear, they see, they report to me: Captain Laserbeam's Adventurekateers. 

ADVENTUREKATEER BETHANY   /   ADVENTUREKATEER CHRIS  
[Excited]                                        [Mumbled]  
Captain Laserbeam!                          Captain Laserbeam. 

LASERBEAM  
Just what evil lurks, my young chums?  
Did The Whittler carve his way back out of the Incarce-atarium? 

BETHANY  
Worse! 

CHRIS  
If he did, we could just follow the shavings like last time ... 

LASERBEAM  
Has the Medal Detector made off with our returning Olympians' hard-won awards? 

CHRIS  
Way worse. 

LASERBEAM  
Is the Myoclonic Jerk keeping Apex City's sleepy citizens from getting a good night's rest? 

BETHANY     /     CHRIS  
Woooorse!     /     Worse. 

LASERBEAM  
Why don't you just tell me? Bethany? 

BETHANY  
The Infinite Jester and his Motley Crew have returned to Apex City! 

LASERBEAM  
Leaping laserbeams _again_. My twelfth most dangerous foe in the special category of foes _plus_ grouped henchpeople! 

BETHANY  
The last time The Infinite Jester was here, he hypnotized all of Apex City with his Supertemporal Scepter. 

CHRIS  
It was bells on a stick. 

BETHANY  
You weren't here, Chris, it was _so scary._

CHRIS  
We were on a family trip to Bergopolis; we watched the whole thing on TV.  
It was bells.  
On a stick. 

BETHANY  
Maybe you should call in Dream Girl, Captain Laserbeam.. 

STARK  
Or we could just help. 

LASERBEAM  
Gyeahhhh! 

STARK  
Hi. 

LASERBEAM  
Chris. Bethany. Do we need to go over the rules about not letting strange adults into the Adventurekateer Clubhouse, and also the one about _always mentioning it when strange adults are somehow in the Adventurekateer Clubhouse anyway?_

BETHANY  
Sorry, Captain Laserbeam. Tony Stark is here! 

CHRIS  
 _Iron Man is here._

BETHANY  
He's here and he's _so handsome._

LASERBEAM  
Nooo, this isn't Iron Man, Chris. It's Tony Stark! 

CHRIS  
Yeah. _Iron Man._

STARK  
It's ok, Cap. Actually, no, that’s weird. I’m not gonna’ call you that. How about just ‘Laserbeam.’ That’s fine, right? 

LASERBEAM  
Sure. 

STARK  
Look, Laserbeam: the whole world knows I'm Iron Man. It's fine. 

LASERBEAM  
But. 

STARK  
Great, actually. Good for the brand. You should think about it. 

LASERBEAM  
Ha-hah! Well! Different strokes for different … millionaire philanthropists.  
-I would say. If I was one.  
Which I am not. 

STARK  
All right, that needs work. But hey - the kids are right, a little help's not going to hurt. Let me tag along. 

BETHANY  
Or maybe it's time the Adventurekateers got in on the action! 

CHRIS  
Yeah, I can distract the Infinite Jester with the three card tricks I know. 

BETHANY  
And I'm almost sixteen! 

LASERBEAM  
...still? 

BETHANY  
It's been a long year. 

LASERBEAM  
No. No, it's just too dangerous!  
You Adventurekateers will be with me in spirit, and spirit is stronger than one hundred lasers. Also, I'll have my one hundred lasers. 

BETHANY  
We worry about you, Captan Laserbeam.  
What would happen to Apex City without you?  
What would happen to the Adventurekateers without you? 

LASERBEAM  
Well, that's something you'll never find out. Not as long as I'm around.  
And now I've got to go put a stop to this cosmic comic's non-stop nonsense.  
So long, and awaaaay! 

SWINGIN' HAL  
Soon in The Infinite Jester's secret lair, the Buffoonery... 

THE INFINITE JESTER  
Wonderful. It's nearly time to execute my plan to rule Apex City once and for all. I will lay the populace low with laughter, and if anyone tries to stop me, I'll show them I'm a _real_ cutup. 

MOTLEY CREWMEMBERS (3)  
What japes! / Droll! / He means a knife fight! 

[CRASH SFX]  


LASERBEAM  
When crime appears upon the scene, so does Captain Laserbeam! Looks like it's time to to put a cap on your menacing madcappery, Jester. 

JESTER  
Not so fast, Captain Laserbrains. Motley Crew: put him in _stitches._

[FIGHT SFX - POW! CLANG! DORF!]  


MOTLEY CREWMEMBER 1  
Uuugh, it's no use. Too ... many lasers. 

JESTER  
No matter. You've bought me time enough to activate my sinister deathtrap: The Mummer-fication Chamber!! 

[WHIRRY CLANKY MACHINERY SFX]  


LASERBEAM  
Walls closing in around me. Squeezing the air from my lungs. Can barely ... speak.  
Urge to mime ... rising.  
Think, Laserbeam, think! There must be a way out of this. Can't fight it - but I must! 

[MUSIC] 

BETHANY  
What would happen to Apex City without you ... _without you ... without you ..._

STARK  
A presentation on nucleotide bonding and gamma livestock solutions ... _solutions ... solutions..._

LASERBEAM  
Memory of Adventurekateers and, I guess, Iron Man- just what I need! Just a little .... more! 

CHRIS  
I know three card tricks ... _card tricks ... card tricks..._

LASERBEAM  
Laser willpow- 

[CRASH SFX]  


STARK  
Sorry to burst in on you. 

HULK  
[ROAR] 

JESTER  
You couldn't have come through the hole Captain Laserbeam _already made?_

HULK  
[GROWL, PUNCH SFX] 

[CRASH SFX] 

JESTER  
Oh god, literally _all_ of my internal organs... 

STARK  
Let me get you out of that thing, Laserbeam. 

[ZZZAP] 

LASERBEAM  
I had this nutty nuisance well in hand, Iron Man. I was just about to destroy the Mummer-fication Chamber with willpower-based feedback! 

JESTER  
That would have been impossible! 

LASERBEAM  
It would _not_ have been impossible, because _nothing_ is impossible to Captain Laserbeam, except giving up! 

STARK  
Yeah, but this was way quicker. Look, Hulk's already rounded up the whole Motley Crew. 

MOTLEY CREWMEMBERS (3)  
Boo. / Thumbs down to the whole affair. / The _opposite_ of knife fight. 

STARK  
You go ahead and take the Jester. It's your collar, after all. 

LASERBEAM  
Freeze laser! 

[FREEZE LASER SFX] 

[LASERBEAM RINGTONE SFX] 

This is Captain Laserbeam calling Apex City PD - it's time for The Infinite Jester to bring his crack-ups to lock up.

STARK  
What? 

BANNER  
He means 'come arrest everyone.' 

LASERBEAM  
Dr. Banner! When did you get here? 

BANNER  
I was in the neighborhood. 

LASERBEAM  
Wearing a harlequin-print sheet? 

BANNER  
Yes. For ... fashion reasons. 

STARK  
 _That's_ what you're going with? 

[THEME MUSIC]

SWINGIN' HAL  
And that's another vile villain vanquished by the light amplified adventurer - Captain Laserbeam! Until next time, sayonara, solid citizens.

**Author's Note:**

> Stay tuned for the FINAL INSTALLMENT of the THRILLING AVENGER HOUR ...
> 
> "Gossip Squirrel"


End file.
